blog #two
Do you ever stop to recognize your own personal growth? Sometimes it creeps up on you without you really noticing. Recently, it’s hit me that I’m not the same person I was a year ago.
This time last year - I can tell you for certain that I couldn’t assert for myself or tell anyone “no.” I am a certified people pleaser, through and through. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.. but I just couldn’t find the line where I was making sure the most important person in my life (me) was being taken care of. There was always something I admired about a human that had clear boundaries and put themself first. I just couldn’t find that kind of strength within me. As I’ve gotten older, it’s become more apparent that you really just have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, especially when it comes to your own happiness.
There was a time in my life where I didn’t even feel confident to walk down the street. I felt.. weird looking. I felt incapable of standing up for myself if someone made a remark towards me. I felt like others were judging me: “Who does she think she is wearing that? Looking like that?”
Honestly this type of thinking comes from the way that I was raised. “Don’t be loud. Stop asking questions. Women are to be seen, not heard. If you’re not fuckable, then you’re worthless. Wait, why do you think you deserve to look pretty? It’s embarrassing that you even tried.”
To take up space in this world is scary, so I felt comfortable in being unnoticeable. But that’s no way to live, is it?
This year I made it a point to tell people when they’ve upset me. I made it a point to make sure people weren’t taking advantage of my kindness. Even though I felt bad for speaking up (I’d much rather keep the peace..) I noticed that people weren’t outraged by my actions. In fact, people started really showing up for me. They were happy to make me happy. I made it a point to show up for myself - to create reels and content even when people try to leave hateful comments in attempt at knocking me down (or even despite my own brain telling me I’m silly for posting). It’s okay to celebrate myself. It’s okay to feel attractive. It’s okay to show my happiness to the outside world.
I recently noticed a big change in my perspective when I was in San Diego.
The last time I was there was a decade ago. Again, I was quiet, easily treated like a doormat and afraid to walk down the street by myself.
This time I felt none of those feelings.
I headed from the hotel room to coffee shops, stores, past large groups of people without experiencing self doubt. I took videos and photos of myself in front of people (guess what? No one beat me up for recording myself 🤪). I confidently walked to the zoo, to museums… even got wrapped up in a street performers show because they wanted me to join a line of people that they were going to leap over acrobatically. Old me would have ran away. New me said, "fuck it, let’s ball. It’s okay to laugh at yourself".
I wasn’t checking the time in an effort to soothe my anxiety. I wasn’t avoiding eye contact. I wasn’t apologizing for taking up space.
Everyone. And I mean everyone, has a right to enjoy their life. You have the right to feel worthy. You DESERVE to be heard, to be cared for, to put yourself first, to take up space and laugh without feeling judged. I’m not sure if you’ve experienced exactly the same feelings as mine.. but I am confident you can relate in some way. :)
Also, have you been to the San Diego Zoo?! You have to try the Skyfari — the first time I went, I didn’t have a chance to go, so I made sure I went on it this time!
